You, too, can own your very own adjunct. All you have to do is move to Ohio and become a university administrator. Yes, folks, that’s all it takes and then you’ll be able to trade people like property. Ohio adjuncts live to serve you. They will do anything you tell them. And they cost next to nothing. Step right up. Come one, come all. Buy your very own Ohio adjunct and join the leisure class where we make at least ten times the salary of our workers and we don’t even give them health insurance.
Take for example successful business man and university administrative entrepreneur Mike Sherman, who has developed a new system whereby the University of Akron, at which he is provost, will trade their adjuncts with other area universities in order to best meet the financial needs of those schools. Savvy Sherman of course knows that adjuncts don’t have any needs of their own and aren’t actually real people, so he wisely realizes the only thing that matters is whether he gets to continue making $163,100 per year with a solid health insurance package.
After all, why take care of your workers if you don’t have to?! It would be crazy! Sherman knows that a carefully worded PR statement is as good as gold with the general public, which is why he points out that, “The bottom line is part-time faculty play an important role in all our institutions, and our focus is to deliver high-quality academic programs, and that’s what we’re attempting to ensure within the evolving landscape of the implications of the Affordable Care Act.”
Doesn’t that sound good? You, too, can appear to care about others and then turn around and throw them under the bus for your own selfish gain. Just buy an Ohio adjunct and a PR person and get started today!
How to Make Your Ohio Adjunct Behave
Now, when you buy your first Ohio adjunct, be prepared for some backlash from uppity advocates like Matt Williams of New Faculty Majority. They will try to assert silly claims like you are “driving down wages to balance [your] budgets on the backs of part-time faculty.” But we all know that’s not true. We’re actually helping the adjuncts by keeping them running around to different campuses in order to make a living. I mean, who needs health insurance when you’re staying that active?! Am I right?
Other meddling critics might compare you to a public company with questionable labor practices:
@josh_boldt If article were re Walmart or Starbucks and how they plan to keep hours down to end-run ACA, response wd b, “that’s despicable.”
— Robin Wharton (@rswharton) May 7, 2013
But, wait a minute. You run a university! Universities never commit labor crimes. They’re liberal! So no need to worry about that criticism either.
The number one secret to keeping your Ohio adjunct in line is making sure she works constantly. The great Sherman knows this and you should, too. Nobody will challenge you when they’re too tired to fight. Keep your adjunct teaching at least six classes at a time and you’ll never fear an insurrection. Make sure your adjunct works at no fewer than three different schools and never ever makes more than $40,000/year. And, of course, take away your adjunct’s health insurance so he can never afford to take a day off.
Here are the Big Five rules every Adjunct Owner must remember:
- Always keep a firm hand.
- Never let your adjuncts have hope.
- Pay them poverty wages.
- Keep them busy.
- And whatever you do, don’t allow them to stay in one place too long.
If you follow these simple guidelines, you, too can own your very own Ohio adjunct.
Also, be on the lookout for troublemakers like these two:
I guess Ohio owns #adjuncts now. I’ll trade you an English teacher for a math and I’ll kick in a sociology. Wow. http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2013/05/07/ohio-public-institutions-consider-creating-adjunct-referral-system
— Josh Boldt (@josh_boldt) May 7, 2013
— Evan Chaloupka (@therealchalo) May 8, 2013